if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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