Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
