I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
