So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
