There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
