I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
