3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
