we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
