My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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