i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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