I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
