Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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