In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
