Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
