I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize