Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
