it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
