Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize