Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
