my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
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