I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
