FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
