Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
