theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
