when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
