woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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