And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
