I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
We're using joints as your birthday candles
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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