the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You are a genius and a whore.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
