im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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