I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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