Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
he had hair everywhere except his balls
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
