Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
