Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
My bed smells like the plague
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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