Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
