i wish my penis had a tongue
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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