I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
