my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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