Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
