Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
