sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
