mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
