Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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