Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
