Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
