You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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