there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
