Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
