you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
