I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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