I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I don't think brook has ever known best
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Randomize
