my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
