I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
