Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
