Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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