If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
