You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
