I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
