I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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