I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
