if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm at about main and main street
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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