I want to have your abortion
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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