so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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