Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
