I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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