I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
