I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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