saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
